I just got an email from some baby website that said "your baby is now 50 weeks old"
50 weeks?!
That's only two weeks away from 52
52 weeks equals a year
My baby boy is two weeks away from turning one year old
The emotions I have about this don't quite make sense
I feel happy, sad, accomplished, scared, proud, weepy, sentimental, and so much more and everything in between.
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant like it was yesterday, it was November 8th, a Thursday. I took an at-home test and saw two lines and my life changed in that instant. I remember the first time I heard Johnathan's little heart beat and seeing him on the sonogram screen all alien like with his fishy arms moving like crazy. I remember the first time I felt him kick me and loving every little tap and nudge. I remember being told one more push and your son will be here. I remember seeing him for the first time and falling so incredibly in love that I couldn't believe I could feel the way I did. I remember seeing him smile, roll over, sit up, laugh, grab for toys, crawl, babble for the first time and so many more firsts that I could never remember the long list. And now I have to look forward to that huge milestone, Johnathan is turning 12 months, one year old in a mere two weeks.
Overwhelmed . . .
I started this blog as a way to share the amazing journey of having a baby with you (whoever you are) and with so many good intentions of staying up to date. There have been times where I have been right on top of things, posting the day after an event or just days after events. Now I'm well over a month behind. I would like to start each post with a "so sorry that I haven't posted lately" but come on, let's be honest, the likelihood of me ever catching up is not good. Whoever you are that like looking at the blog, please stick around, sooner or later you will see all the fun things we have been up to.
Guilt . . .
Am I the only one who has this constant feeling of guilt? Just asking . . . because lately I feel like whatever I'm currently doing is taking me away from something else I should be doing. I work full time at home. Whenever I put Johnathan to play with his toys on his own so I can get work done I feel guilty. Whenever I step away from work to play with Johnathan I feel guilty. Whenever I take time for a lunch with a friend and leave Johnathan behind, I feel guilty. When I don't have enough time for friends and would rather spend time with Johnathan, I feel guilty. The fact that my husband and I haven't had a lot of "us time" in the past year makes me feel guilty. And don't even get me started on the amount of time the Grandparents get to spend (or don't get to spend) with Johnathan. In fact, if I don't feel guilty at least once a day, I feel guilty. Is this also part of becoming a mother? Does it go along with not showering daily and wearing less than clean clothes, a body that sometimes look like someone else's and not remember the last time you did something for yourself?
What I really want to say is . . . .
What I really want to say is I will soon be the mother to a one year old and I'm not sure how that changes my identity or even if it should.
What I really want to say is, I promise I will continue to post about what Johnathan has been up to lately, it just might be a few weeks months behind.
What I really want to say is I'm afraid that I'm not spending my time wisely and I'm hoping that I will somehow, someway figure out how to live life as a working mom.
To end things on a happy note . . .
Tonight Johnathan was too tired to fall asleep on his own. We had past the point of no return and he needed, no demanded, that I hold him until he feel asleep. As I held him I realized that his head fit perfectly under my chin and his feet dangled near my knees, yup he's growing up. I knew that I was spending my time exactly as I should, comforting my cranky baby to sleep by rocking him and singing to him. And I thought I'd blog about it so you all would get a bit caught up. Maybe I'm not doing too bad . . .
3 comments:
One year already?? I have to say I remember all your special moments too...I remember you calling me to tell me you were pregnant and of course I remember meeting Johnathan in the hospital!
Forget the guilt...I mean, yes OF COURSE, I feel it too, but I'm learning to let it go. Some days the TV is on more days than others and that's okay. Some days I feed her Cinnamon Toast Crunch for breakfast because I know she'll eat it and that's okay too! I'm pretty sure Johnathan thinks you're the perfect mommy!
i have a lump in my throat after reading your very REAL words....the ending to your post and to your day is what keeps you going...knowing you are everything to Johnathan and that you are doing the best job as his mommy. i feel your overwhelming thoughts and was right there a few weeks back when samantha turned one. keep thinking positive and rocking your "baby" whenever you can. thats the best feeling there is. ps. love looking at his pictures on the header from newborn to toddler. wow! pss. i remember where I WAS when you called to tell me your were pregnant and where I was when he was born. (almost as clearly as sleepovers in your huge loft bedroom in your first house through weekend trips in college) xo
Nicole, you are an amazing mother to JT, an amazing wife to Jeff, an amazing daughter/in law to your parents and a wonderful friend to all of us! An extraordinary woman all around..accomplished, loving, and someone to be proud of! I am definitely proud of you and everything that I read about here. keep up the good work, there are a couple very precious and important people that need you! congratulations on the big milestone coming up and the rest to come!
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